Rejection stings… Excluded from a group, denied a job or a scholarship, unrequited love, whatever form it takes, getting a “no” is painful and can even be downright demoralizing. I’ve had my fair share of rejections, and sometimes, it cuts so deep and saps out the strength to try again. It gets even worse when there is no closure whatsoever on why you were rejected.
From my experience, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the level of anticipation and the intensity of hurt that comes with a negative response. The more eager you are for a “yes”, the more vulnerable you become to the strike of a potential “no”.
Why It Hurts…
I recently learned of the term “social pain” from a friend who is quite enthusiastic about all things sociology, and writes about interesting concepts related to the subject. She recently shared a three-part series on “social pain” and how to deal with it (you should check it out).
Scientific research shows that rejections and other causes of “social pain” —like failure or the loss of a relative or friend— trigger the part of our brains that is also responsible for processing physical pain. That explains why the pain of rejection often feels akin to physical ache.
How Not To Deal With Rejections
One rejection is painful enough. However, life is not always fair, and some folks get dealt a bad hand multiple times. In the throes of social pain from recurrent rejections, we sometimes find ourselves at the risk of a more sinister, less obvious form of rejection — self-rejection.
As with physical pain, the brain often attempts to work out defense mechanisms to prevent potential hurt, and self-rejection is its way of guarding itself against the woes of external rejections. Simply put, self-rejection is rejecting yourself to avoid others rejecting you.
There are many reasons why people self-reject. Such a disposition might stem from negative or traumatic past experiences, repeated failures, or unhealthy comparisons, especially when we compare ourselves to the picture-perfect versions of others we see on social media.
Self-rejection is subtle in nature, making it even more dangerous. It sometimes poses as a natural response to unfavorable circumstances. So we tell ourselves we can’t do certain things or we don’t belong in certain spaces because we aren’t good enough or our opinions don’t matter.
The problem with such a mindset is that we begin to act in accordance with our beliefs, sometimes to the extent of self-sabotage. As a result, we experience even more rejections, further reinforcing our beliefs, and the cycle continues—a vicious circle.
A Better Response
In the past couple of years, I’ve had to deal with many rejections, and I’d be lying if I claimed never to have self-rejected. However, I’m learning to separate my identity from my failures.
Getting a “no” from others doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It only means that they have other preferences, and that’s okay. Make it impersonal. Everyone gets a “no” every now and then, and we are also likely to reject others too.
It also helps to reflect on the positives. We are often so engrossed with our disappointments that we forget to count our blessings. Recalling your wins/achievements is an effective antidote to the pain of rejection. Your potential outweighs any rejection—don’t let it define you.
Instead of self-rejecting, engage in some introspection to understand why you were rejected. An honest review might reveal room for improvement. If that is the case, refrain from self-condemnation. Instead, learn from the experience, work on yourself if need be, move on, and try again, and again, and again!